Unplanned pregnancies are hard, yo.
They are hard
even when you're already a mom to two marvelous children. They're hard
even when you talked about how you always wanted a third. They're hard
even when your partner is thrilled and you are already sharing a home
with each other and the two, previously mentioned, children. They are
hard even when parenthood won't be a shock to your senses. They are hard
even when the outpouring of support from places you were sure would
condemn do is wonderful.
They are hard when you were
just feeling like your plans were in place. When you were training and
ready to launch your new career. When you felt like your feet were
underneath you and you finally had a grip on life for you and your small
ones. When you had started to make peace with your family being
complete. When you are ashamed that you've tried this twice before with
two other marriages and fathers and both of them ended in disaster. When
you are still legally bound to where you don't want to be. When you
have to admit with your body that you were not as responsible as you
know you should have been.
When, for the first time in
your life, you are filled with fear about what will come next. What
people will say. What people will think and NOT say. What on earth you
will do if it all falls apart again.
They are hard
when you have watched your health and your body decline rapidly for two
years. When worry about not being able to provide for yourself and your
brood is a real thing.
They are hard when your trademark blind faith has been shaken hard enough to go into hiding.
Sometimes, you just have to sit still, and wait for the happy to come.
You have to pretend you believe it is coming even when you are not sure.
I
long for the dreamy, meditative nature of my first two pregnancies. I
long for the peace and the calm. I wish I were savoring every moment of
what I know will be the last time I ever am two people at once. Perhaps I
will soon.
In some ways I have no idea how I got here
or what I thought my plan was. At the same time, I know with certainty
that at every step for the past two years I have stopped, looked,
thought, searched and made sure that every choice was made carefully. I
am here, in this relationship with this man, in this commitment, not
just because it felt good but because it was right, because I am better,
he is better, my children are better as a result. We were so careful
and slow and cautious. We communicate so beautifully, face challenges
together, support and encourage each other and I feel heard, respected,
cherished and happy. I believe he does too. And then this. This is not
slow or cautious or careful. I joke about having abused the privilege of
marriage and babies- but am I joking? Will I ever learn to trust my
judgement? Should I?
For now I am just striving to
accept. To take each moment on its own and make the best, most
responsible decision I can with the well being of my children and our
home as my only motivation. I am trying to trust that life will be
beautiful for us because we are trying and growing and talking and
working and facing our fears and because somewhere, deep down, I still
have that faith. I still know that when you allow love and hope to
motivate your life you are always rewarded with bounty and joy.
So I am pretending that I know it is coming.
Even when I am not sure that it is.
We're never sure of what's coming. But what you CAN be sure of is that you've had a 100% success rate of surviving whatever came your way up til this point. That's the funny thing about life, just when we're cruising along thinking, "hey, I like this view!", we veer onto a new, more challenging course and all we can do is hold on and pray. You're a wonderful mom. So you're being blessed with another child to love, because that child is meant to be yours. That, my friend, is enough.
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