It's been almost two years since I started having to be a part-time parent. It has taken me this long to identify and accept the hardship this has been.
It's not fair. Or it is fair and it is the punishment for having been careless with my choices.
It is difficult to accept such a severe punishment for things you did without malice, for choices you made out of hope and what seemed like good judgement. It is difficult to accept a punishment when you know you did the best you could, tried to fix your mistakes when you knew you had made them and when most of your life is much better as a result. But here it is, my lingering punishment and my continued battle to make peace with it and move on.
I know having both of us involved is better for my children and I do not begrudge them their relationship with their dad. But, oh, how my heart and soul and identity is splintered around our split up weeks.
My relationship with motherhood has always felt fairly divided. Periods of bliss and my full time focus broken up by tragedy and pain. Even in the good times was a striking contrast between home and work or social. I seem to always be the only one with babies in my circle. In a world of restaurants and late nights the child free outnumber the breeders and I have often felt the pull to be two different characters. Always a divide. How have I done everything so wrong that my life is so fractured? What am I not seeing or embracing?
Anyway...
At first, the schedule felt good. I was homeschooling and had a little babe and being home and home-schooling Monday through Friday with the kids at their dad's on Saturday and Sunday while I waited tables like a madwoman felt great. I could be home, be mom, go to parks, read books, spend time and then when we had to be apart I could bury myself in the business of money making. Weekends made the most sense as they provided the most income. It worked. I was happy.
Then this past fall came and "real school" and baby school came calling and more time to work when the kids would be gone and still the weekends held the cash and more time at dad's and I have found myself tired, stressed, lost, empty and feeling disconnected and broken. And I am not sure how to fix it. I loathe being nothing but the business parent. My house is the place of homework and bedtimes and schedules and school days and go-go-go and no time and get it done. How thankless and miserable that all seems without the slow pace of a weekend together or a birthday party or a picnic or a day trip to offset it. I have worked more (although there never seems to be more money) to fill the days when they are occupied and then again when they go away I buckle down to a long, long, LONG weekend of work. Why not? They are gone from me. I can't take them somewhere fun or relaxing. I've started to dread the time they are here as much as I dread the time they are away- and it's me. I have twisted myself into such a mess of tired stressed and lonely that it's hard to see clearly.
Something needs to change. I just wish I could see how to do it. This summer I plan to work MUCH less during the week and spend my time with my babies- around vacations and camps and all that time away. I want them to go see and do and take trips and have as many people that love them in their lives as they can. And I also want to hoard them home with me so I can get my fill before the school year comes back.
And what about this new baby? This full time always home, always with me baby? How will this blend? How will life change to let more time and happiness in?
More happiness, more laziness, more joyful excursions are in order. Less reminding and scolding and homeworking and "quick, it's a school night!" are in order. I find myself tired and sad and wondering how this all happened? How did I get here? I tried so hard to be kind and helpful and work hard and do right by everyone... how is it fair that when I stood up for me I managed to lose so much? Does fair have anything to do with it?
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